conflict

welp.

yet another holiday has come and gone . . .

this thanksgiving my heart and soul was filled with pure gratitude for

- my savior, Jesus Christ - 

as we went around our thanksgiving table,

each individually expressing our unique feelings of gratefulness,

i couldn't help but feel overwhelmed by my savior's love.

He has helped me through a LOT

just this past week alone.

so much so in fact,

that i have felt my faith and strength in Him significantly

g r o w. 

what led me to this growth,

started out with feelings of 

conflict. 

deep within my 

heart

mind

and soul.

in further describing the potential benefit of conflict in your life . . .

think of your two eyeballs.

because of their different placement on your face,

each sees a slightly different view of a single object.

(you can experiment with this by simultaneously covering your right and left eye while keeping your focus on one object. you will notice it appears the object moves.) 

you could ask yourself:

"well which eye's view is 'right' and which view is 'wrong'?"

the views may seem conflicting.

but the truth is, 

they are both valid.

and with these seemingly conflicting views your eyeballs have when used individually,

can actually create

more clarity about the object

and

depth perception

when they are used together.

something that could not be accomplished

through the vision of one eye alone.

thus we can analogate 

(yes i'm officially making up words here) :)

that without any conflicting experiences in our lives,

we could never gain ultimate 

clarity

perspective

and 

depth.

just because you have conflicting opinions with someone,

doesn't mean you have to conflict with them.

take it as an opportunity to

learn

grow

and truly

see.

that's all.

:)

xoxo

kelsie fay

ps.

here's a pic of me and my mama on turkey day

sometimes i think we kind of look really a lot alike

:)

- p e r s p e c t i v e -

i must say . .

 i keep learning and understanding

more 

&

more

&

more

&

more

about 

.

.

. 

- p e r s p e c t i v e -

and how very much the lens through which we, and others, 

see . . .

 life

situations

 and other people 

is like. the most crucial thing ever.

:)

and further exploring . .

that actually how we 

p e r c e i v e

life

situations

and other people

is more important than:

what is actually going on in our lives.

what really happened.

and the words he/she specifically spoke.

what matters more is:

how we interpreted these things,

how they made us feel,

and who we are as a result of them.

william shakespeare once said, 

"there is nothing either good or bad, but

thinking

makes it so" 

a rich man and a poor man could both be given the same meal of steak and potatoes for dinner.

however,

each individual man's opinion of

the same steak and potatoes,

are most likely going to be wildly different from each other,

given their different

- p e r s p e c t i v e s -

the poor man may have thought to himself,

"my this steak is incredible!"

simply for the fact that it was something warm to eat.

whereas . . . 

the rich man may have thought to himself,

"i find this steak only tolerable to my tastebuds",

given it wasn't seasoned to his optimal liking.

different perspectives.

different realities.

same steak.

"there is nothing either good or bad, but

thinking

makes it so."

what comes to mind when you hear the word,

"crisis" 

?

i'm willing to guess that for a vast majority of us,

"crisis" solicits feelings of

panic

fear

negativity

anxiety

etc.

however i think with more understanding,

we can cultivate better feelings toward a word that gets such a bad rap.

in chinese, "crisis" is comprised of two distinct characters:

the first meaning danger,

the second meaning opportunity.

thus we can further reflect and learn that . . .

 perhaps maybe there's a reason behind the "awful" things that happen to us. 

maybe we are meant to do more than just endure.

maybe every crisis we encounter is to give us an

o p p o r t u n i t y to grow

if

we can view this with the right

- p e r s p e c t i v e - 

i just returned from serving a full-time mission in las vegas for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints a few months ago.

it was there that i found a talk that completely changed my outlook on the mission,

and continues to influence my growing

- p e r s p e c t i v e -

in my life.

it is:

the fourth missionary by lawrence e. corbridge

i would like to share an excerpt from his talk that i feel goes well with our subject at hand:

"every challenge you face, 

every hard thing you confront, 

every bad thing that happens to you, 

every unfairness, 

every conflict,

 every sadness,

 tragedy,

 every disappointment and heartache, 

every temptation and every opposition 

happens for one purpose only:

 to give you 

o p p o r t u n i t y

 to respond

 by applying in your life the teachings of Jesus.

 as you do so,

 you are changed to become more like Him."

we are all in the driver's seat of our own lives.

while we may not have any control over

what cards we're dealt to begin with

 or

how people treat us,

we CAN choose to view all of these things in life as 

o p p o r t u n i t i e s

to grow and become more like our savior.

and.

if we can't currently see things from this view,

we can always ask for help to

change.

our.

- p e r s p e c t i v e -

xoxo

kelsiefay

you play how you practice

you know.

it's 6:07 pm and it's pitch black outside.

pitch.

black!

daylight savings this past week,

 gave me one more hour of precious sleep:)

which i thoroughly enjoyed! 

but now it gets dark so early that it feels like

10

when it's really only

6.

interesting.

time is such a weird thing to me! 

i often feel like i have no concept of it . . .

which can get me into

trouble

sometimes when i have a deadline of sorts.

mostly i just enjoy being in moments

soaking them in

soaking them up

and just

.

.

.

being.

with whom and wherever i am:)

although!

you know what actually?

i have actually figured out that:

time is very important.

the passage of time,

and also,

what you do IN that time,

can change everything.

we all know that practice makes perfect right?
but why do we tend to not take this concept as seriously when it comes to "practicing marriage" in dating? 
i guess i should speak more for myself than for everyone as a whole.
but.
i know that for me, in my previous relationships, i've taken complete loyalty and total fidelity:
physically
emotionally
mentally
rather lightly. 
too lightly in fact.
why and how what on earth was i thinking when..
 i thought it was okay to kiss two boys that i was "sort of dating" in the same night?! 
heavens.
so not okay!
luckily i am learning and
understanding and
growing into
what is more
real.

i think most young adults around my age (23) feel that it's okay to "play the field" and keep their eyes open to seeing others, even when they're in a committed relationship. i know i fell pray to this mentality in the past. 
but.
truth is . . .
you play how you practice.
and if you practice wrong, 
you'll probably play wrong.

prior to my family studies class, i thought infidelity was simply being unfaithful to a spouse in marriage physically . . . by having a physical, sexual affair. 
turns out there are many more ways infidelity can occur in marriage and luckily,
even more ways one can prevent these things from ever even having a chance or potential of occuring.

four types of affairs:
1) fantasy - ". . . having an emotional affair with someone who has no knowledge about what is taking place, or with someone who is anonymous and would likely never meet." - infidelity: protecting our marriages by scott gardner and christian greiner
2) visual affair/pornography - "but i say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath already committed adultery with her in his heart" - matthew 5:28
3) romantic affair - "an individual becomes emotionally involved with a specific person other than his or her spouse. it is characterized by a 'second life' and is a result of trying to escape the monotony of everyday life."
4) sexual affair - "whoso committeth adultery with a woman lacketh understanding: he that doeth it destroyeth his own soul." - proverbs 6:32

it seems to me that all of these types of affairs and infidelity are induced by a person's desire to escape their own reality and dwell in a different place - always thinking that the grass is greener elsewhere. bruce c. hafen also explores the idea that infidelity may have less to do with the state of a marriage, 
but rather, 
the individual. 
"when men or women are true to the deepest instincts of their natures, they will nurture sensitivity and kindness as part of their martial fidelity. but when their motives darken toward betrayal or a quest for power, they cast away their human kindness in ways that deny the link between true sexuality and fidelity." 

given this statement, it would seem that:
we can prevent affairs by changing who WE are and how WE act. 
evaluate the state of your heart. if what you do is more "actionary" or "reactionary" and why.  and set appropriate boundaries.

the following are suggested boundaries:
- don't share the most painful things of your sould with an attractive alternative. this develops deep levels of intimacy.
- if a conversation makes light of marriage, respond with something positive about your own marriage.
-discuss marital issues with your spouse. if you do need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure they are a friend of the marriage.
-don't have lunch or take work breaks with the same person all the time.
-bring your spouse to class reunions. especially if you know an old boyfriend/girlfriend will be there.
-don't "do lunch" with someone you used to date.
-don't allow your heart to dwell on anyone.

and if you're not in a marriage relationship yet, these boundaries can still be practiced while dating and in committed relationships.
because ultimately:
you'll play how you practice,
so practice how you want to play.
and in this case . . . 
we've GOT to practice 
fidelity
loyalty
trust
and
true, unselfish love.

xoxo

kelsiefay

 
 
 

jammy day

today.

was a pajama day.

literally did not change out of my pajamas

 all.

 day.

no teeth brushing,

hair combing,

showering,

or leaving the house . . . 

let alone my room for within the first 9 hours of being awake!

today i was a real life hermit.

and you know what?

i thoroughly and completely enjoyed

every

s

i

n

g

l

e

second of it:)

proof:

 

 today was a day of:

pondering

reflecting

crying

realizing

talking

telling

feeling

writing

listening

learning

loving

understanding

progressing

connecting

creating

breathing

thinking

praying

and

laundrying

:)

all in my jammies.

can i tell you some of my discoveries?

thoughts?

connections?

and feelings?

from jammy day?

okay:)

recently in class we have been diving into our own families:

the overall dynamics

how individual personalities contribute to the family's functioning

what role each member of the family plays

subsystems and relationships in the family

etc

and i tell you what.

it's been rather emotional.

i come from a blended family.

meaning:

my parents got divorced when i was 11 and my mom remarried a wonderful man with 5 daughters.

and so.

we are now a blended family of 10, comprising of 6 daughters, 2 sons and 2 parents... 

plus

5 brothers/sisters in law and 

3 grandkids.

there's a lot of us.

and always a lot going on

and we just keep growing.

in all of the digging and delving into the soul of my family,

i've found a lot of:

misunderstandings

disconnection

exclusion

division 

and

rejection

while at the same finding:

mutual compromise

love

connection

care

and

support

feelings have been:

hurt

shared

validated

suppressed

pretended

acknowledged

squashed

disregarded

and

considered.

and it's hard!

and great!

and terrible!

and amazing!

and dysfunctional!

and functional!

and healthy!

and unhealthy!

and

and

and!

family,

 and the dynamics of it and relations in it, 

are so many different things at the same time,

that sometimes . . .

(lets just be real)

it's hard to stay

sane. 

and today,

in my jammies,

i realized it's all actually

.

.

.

okay 

. 

. 

.

it's not bad,

not good,

not anything.

it just

simply 

is.

i can accept the things about my family and family members i cannot change.

i can accept what is,

while still fostering healthy boundaries and relationships in my "family of origin"

and committing to starting new patterns, dynamics and trends in my future "family of creation" 

the more you learn about your own family dynamics the more you can discover what traits you'd love to keep and which ones you'd rather discard.

think about your daily, weekly, holiday

family interactions.

and

observe

evaluate

consider 

and 

reflect.

the more you know and are aware,

the better you can use your agency and choose how you want your life and relationships to be.

you can

create it.

:)

and then you can create something new in your room like i did today:

 i love jammy day.

that's all.

xoxo

kelsiefay

 

 

 

 

fulfill

happy sunday evening:)

this fall has been the absolute most perfect fall i have ever experienced since living in idaho falls.

normally that in between, crispy-cool season lasts all of a measly 2 weeks,

and then we're on to piles and piles of snow and bitter wind from halloween to april fools!

but not this year.

nope!
this year i've been in refreshing fall heaven,
and have taken the liberty of crunching a few fallen leaves beneath my feet a time or ten:)
oh it is wonderful, wonderful to me
*sigh

my deep affinity for my family relations class, and the knowledge i envelop from it,
 grows with each passing week.
and i'm happy to report,
this week was no different
:)

we all have needs.
things
people
places
feelings
actions
that are crucial to uphold our mortal existence at the most basic level,
and also,
to foster fulfillment
in mind
body
and soul.

maslow is famous for his "hierarchy of needs".
his theory is that our needs come in all
shapes
and
sizes
and follow a pyramid of importance.
meaning that:
our most basic, bottom level needs must be met before any other needs can subsequently be nourished.

so what happens when some of these inherent needs we have aren't met?
where do we turn?
what do we do???
the answers to these questions are different for everyone.
some turn to:

addiction
unhealthy relationships
obsessions
food
shopping
God
 or maybe even
homosexual desires and behavior
in order to meet and fulfill these deep, compelling, unmet needs.

in watching the video, "understanding same-sex attraction" by family watch international,
 (*link provided below..)
i feel i've come to a deeper, clearer understanding
and a place of more profound peace,
in regards to those who experience same-sex attraction (SSA)

the documentary provides 6 basic potential factors that could contribute to an individual experiencing feelings of same-sex attraction.
they are as follows:
1) wounded gender identity - being severely rejected within their own gender
2) bullying
3) father hunger - absent, abusive, or distant father
4) mother confusion - controlling/manipulative/atypical mother role in the family
5) inappropriate touch - either abuse or not ever being touched at all
6) pornography

as i continued to attentively and compassionately watch the video,
my mind kept having these thoughts about SSA . . .
"this is another way people feel empty and are trying to fill that hole within themselves"
"it's ALL about meeting needs!"
"it's these deeper, unmet needs that are the start of it all."
and in effort to take care of themselves,
to fill needs,
and feel full,
some individuals turn to SSA.

 i do not claim to understand even the smallest amount of same-sex attraction.
nor do i claim that these ideas apply to everyone who experiences this.
it is something i have never experienced myself and do not know firsthand by any means.
however.
i am saying that,
i feel this could be true in some cases.
these ideas r e s o n a t e with me.
speak to my soul
and seem
subsequently . . .
soothing.
i believe we're all searching.
searching and seeking and yearning
to find
and to feel
fulfilled 

and in our searching let us remember:

 - - - "you can never get enough of what you don't need,
because what you don't need, CAN'T satisfy you." - - -

xoxo
kelsiefay






*http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJhyzqdzpnM

clarity

in the midst of tumultuous

sadness

 ache

anxiety

confusion

vulnerability

doubt

fear

faking it

bewilderment

hurt

numbing

self consciousness

loneliness

and longing...

- - - - - there is a major s h i f t - - - - -

a pure, penetrating peace 

takes over and fills my entire being in places i didn't even know existed.

seeping into every crack of insecurity and wound of worry, it was as if somehow at once

all is made light.

with this light brought comfort, warmth, relief and above all else . . .

c l a r i t y

what once was:

confusing

uncomfortable

unsure and ever shifting

is now replaced with:

understanding

serenity

confidence and solidity

this light, truth and c l a r i t y surrounds and abounds

and i am left with the purest, most peaceful and sincere

joy.

"for the word of the Lord is truth, and whatsoever is truth is light, and whatsoever is light is Spirit, even the Spirit of Jesus Christ." - d&c 84:45

they say, "it's always darkest before the dawn . . ."

but what is it about this extreme contrast in life that is the only means by which to catalyze such cutting clarity?

can we really sing the sweet without beforehand bearing the bitter?

is it possible to:

 find without seeking?

receive answers without asking?

know without wondering?

opinionating without researching?

i don't think it is.

- - -

this week i have gained a new set of eyes with which to see

and new being in which to be. 

thankful to:

my God for bringing me to a place i would have never found on my own

and my family relations class for providing me with truth necessary to chisel away crippling prejudice

on the matter of the latter . . .

 why is it in our being as a human race to immediately judge those around us without knowing their whole story?

i know i am guilty of this on a daily basis, 

even without recognizing it sometimes.

however upon reading the article, "the costs of getting ahead: mexican family system changes after immigration" by martica l. bacallao and paul r. smokowski,

i am beginning to understand with more c l a r i t y the adversity immigrants of any kind face.

parents' hearts are pure in their intent to provide more opportunities for their children in a new country.

and yet they are faced with increasing family stress

and constant shift in family roles from extended separation.

my heart has forever changed to have more compassion on them and simply all others.

xoxo

kelsiefay

- the s h i f t -

communication is crucial

can i just say? life is so good right now.

i've been home from serving my LDS mission in las vegas, nevada for 6 weeks and 4 days now and i just feel like i'm in a really good place. i'm living at home in idaho falls and commute to byu-idaho in rexburg two days a week. i work as an eyelash extensionist out of my home (which is so fun it doesn't even feel like a job) and am spending tons of time with my family i lived without for so long (18 months). i am also t h o r o u g h l y enjoying some much overdue "me, alone-time" to just ponder and reflect on life, read, exercise, paint my nails, organize, craft, and read the Book of Mormon, etc! it just feels good. 

God is so good:)

i have always been interested in people.

what makes them tick?

why do they do the things they do?

how were they treated as a child and what about that impacts who they are today?

what makes them feel alive?

 and what about relationships.... ah! so interesting!

all shapes, sizes, functioning and dysfunctioning ones..

why? 

when?

how come?

tell me more!!

and because of these natural interests of mine, i am absolutely obsessed with my family relations class! who knew i could actually enjoy reading my college textbook. who ever thought that was even possible?? 

 well. i'm here to tell you. it is. 

and it's the most wonderful thing i've ever experienced. i feel like everything i'm learning is like "coming home" to a place my entire being, my authentic true self, has always belonged. it doesn't just feel like me..

it is me.

this week my soul has connected with the importance of clear communication.

the individual members of a family and how they interact with one another, combine to create a family's unique balance, dynamic and system. each family system operates and functions under it's own set of "rules" -- whether they're specifically 

• "said" (children allow parents to speak without interruption. younger children go to bed earlier than older ones, mom always gets to choose what to make for dinner etc.) 

• or "unsaid" (it's better to ask mom to go to your friend's house after dinner when she's in a better mood. don't be a cry baby...)

what i found very interesting is this:

a healthy family is NOT one that enforces and follows the "correct" rules,

but rather...

it IS one that clearly communicates their own consistent rules to all members of the family.

it is not so much WHAT the rules are, as HOW they're communicated.

if a child does not know what or where the boundaries are, or if they change frequently and they never know what to expect.. how could they ever even make a conscious choice to abide by them? essentially without clearly communicated boundaries, how could a family ever feel and function in peaceful manner? as rules and expectations are clearly communicated and identified, all members of a family can know what to expect and choose to strive for a more harmonious balance and the family flourishes.

since i'm not married and am currently in the dating scene rather than the parenting one.. i tend to relate what i learn in class and in my readings not only to my family life growing up, but to dating and my own current dating relationships. 

much of my dating life i've played what can be referred to as,

"THE GAME"

when you're playing, "THE GAME", one of you is the cat and the other is the mouse. 

it is a never ending dance.

it is a game full of teasing.

and back and forth.

 and never seeming TOO interested.

 but just interested enough...

 to keep the other person's interest in YOU at it's peak.

it is a game all about control and having the upper hand.

it is one where you say one thing,

but mean another.

or you don't say anything at all,

and you expect the other person to read your mind and know exactly what you're thinking and needing and wanting and really, truly meaning. 

it is a game full of confusion and guessing and wondering.

this game is dramatic.

and involves a level of deception.

it is unsettling and leaves you feeling discontent - never fully loved, never fully satisfied.

- and so -

ever since i've been back from my mission and learned the incredible benefits of

effective, clear communication...

(the feeling of loyalty, strengthened relationships, effectively working t h r o u g h issues rather than avoiding them..)

i thought to myself:

 "you know what? i'm going to keep doing this. i'm going to do this dating thing differently this time. instead of playing THE GAME, i'm going to try actually saying what i think. listen to how i really feel, communicate this clearly to the other person involved and just see what the heck happens!"

the results so far have been absolutely amazing.

i have felt empowered and liberated as i have been more true to myself, how i actually feel and just saying that. rather than acting a certain way and hoping the guy gets the hint or understands what i'm trying to say through my sometimes unclear actions.

i have been filled with:

 deeper connections.

 better conversations.

and truer peace.

now that's not to say that this level of clear communication has been all roses and butterflies and has never been uncomfortable. most all of the times i have specifially chosen to be more authentic and clear rather than skirting around issues of how i'm really feeling, it's been SCARY! and hard! and uncomfortable! but the end result of this "daring greatly" approach to life and relationships has been so worth it. 

as you're honest and open in all of your relationships, no matter what kind, it shows that person how much you truly care about them. even if the truth is hard to hear. as you clearly, honestly communicate,  you're really saying, "i care about you enough to be completely honest with you and not deceive you." 

my mom has always said that the number one thing i can do to have a good relationship with her is be honest with her. without a foundation of loyalty, a relationship has no substance, value or real existence. 

loyalty cannot be fostered without trust.

and trust cannot be cultivated without

 honesty,

 openness,

 and clear, effective communication.

wow this is the longest post ever.

i don't even know if anyone ever reads this but if you do and if you are still reading..

 i'm sorry! 

i promise i meant for this to be short

and then...

well.

it wasn't. haha

evidently there is just a burning passion in me that needs to get out and breathe!

i invite you to reflect.

reflect on the content and quality of your current top 5 relationships.

how are they really doing?

do you feel safe in them?

what makes you feel this way?

can you trust the other person?

can they trust you?

how is your communication?

are you always guessing how the other feels instead of actually knowing?

are you constantly "tip-toeing" around issues or anything you feel would send them into a tizzy?

do these people feel that way about YOU in your relationship??

you don't know??

well then ASK!

real change of any kind is slow and takes

t i m e

and that's okay.

in fact it's good.

start small

 and within time you'll

feel your relationships become 

deeper

safer

stronger

and a whole lot more meaningful.

be brave and give it a try:)

xoxo

kelsiefay

...

ps. i thought it was about time to include a picture of me and my family on here! 

from left to right:

patrick, jackie, dan, kenz, ricky, vanessa, tay, mom, garth, me, cami, ethan and max, josh, jill, jordan. *the only one not in here is my little brother derek who is still serving his mission in indianapolis, indiana for another 4 months! it will be so fun to see him again:)