six stations of divorce

i.

love.

TEDtalks.

they are just 

so 

inspiring!

captivating

motivating

and

informationating

:)

i recently watched a TEDtalk entitled, 

"why rejection hurts so much and what to do about it"

guy winch, the speaker in this talk, declared that in america:

- we severely neglect our emotional health -

we care a lot about our physical hygiene, 

and have no problem going to the doctor for a broken bone.

but we do not actively practice preventative "emotional hygiene".

nor do we seek to understand how our emotional health,

can greatly affect our physical well being.

i felt this talk went really well with what i was learning in class this week. 

usually when someone hears the word,

"divorce"

they might immediately think of the legalities of such an occurrence:

courtrooms

child custody battles

signing papers 

etc.

when in all reality,

there are actually six different kinds of divorce a couple will go through

when they decide to dissolve the bond they once so much delighted in.

these "six stations of divorce"

make separating from a spouse a lot more complicated that you might initially think.

they are as follows:

1) emotional divorce - spouses lose trust, respect and affection for one another. they no longer seek to help or support, only to hurt and defeat.

2) legal divorce - legal responsibilities to each other are dissolved and the court officially brings the marriage to an end.

3) economic divorce - all property and assets between the couple is divided.

4) co-parental divorce - this type of divorce only happens between couples who have children. custody, visitation rights and parent responsibilities all must be determined.

5) community divorce - each partner may need to establish new friendship and extended family relations.

and

6) psychic divorce - each individual must accept a new sense of individualism rather than being in a partnership with their former spouse. "he or she can only start to feel whole again to the extent that the psychic divorce is final; to the extent that there is a distancing from both the positive and negative aspects of the broken relationship." 

in class we discussed how some individuals who legally divorce

never actually get to the point of psychic divorce with their former spouse. 

and as such,

can never truly move on or heal from the emotionally taxing separation. 

this could further halt any progress or growth to be made in new relationships 

and could potentially hinder any

new

real

deep

intimate 

connections from forming.

70% of people who divorce look back and say,

"we could have and should have saved the marriage."

it is important that we try to consider all aspects of divorce.

everything it affects and plays into on a deeper level

rather than just simply thinking of the

"legal divorce"

xoxo

kelsiefay

 

nurturing

'tis the season

to be cozy.

fa la la la la, 

la la la,

la

:)

i don't particularly love cold weather,

but i will say,

i do love getting cozy by my fire in my fuzzy socks in cold weather.

 

exhibit A: 

 

and i suppose it's impossible to get cozy,

without first being cold.

so i guess cold weather isn't ALL bad after all.

:)

 

i continue to find examples of 

action-reaction

cause-effect

- the true "why's" - 

behind the way things are in life,

so

intriguing.  

 

something i so very much love about my family relations class is,

it helps me 

. . . connect my own dots . . .

and figure out my own "why's" behind who i am and why i

think

feel

see

act

the way that i do. 

i believe we are all 

choice,

divine

spirit children of our father in heaven

and existed before we came to earth.

my spirit and soul

is really much older than my almost 24-year-old body.

and because i believe we existed before this life,

i also believe we all came here with our own

unique

predisposed

"hard-wiring".

a portion of who we are:

our personalities

tendencies

and quirks 

have simply always been.

yet on the other hand . . .

i also believe we are continually evolving beings.

we learn

grow

fall

develop

regress

and experience

so much every single day.

and that material becomes a part of us.

this process starts at the very beginning of our mortal journey:

birth.

as an infant,

you were completely helpless when it came to taking care of your own needs.

physical - spiritual - emotional

you relied solely,

fully,

entirely,

and completely,

on your parents for day to day survival!

but what if those needs weren't met,

as an infant,

toddler,

child,

obnoxious pre-teen,

or

teenager??

what if your parents,

for one reason or another,

 weren't able to support you in what you needed?

well then what?

how would that have affected you?

would you be different?

do you think it would contribute to the way you 

think

feel

see

or act

now?

i'd we willing to guess

it would.

 

kids need to be nurtured. 

this week i specifically dove into the importance of 

- a father's nurturing -

in the lives of his children. 

According to, "the Importance of Fathers in the Healthy Development of Children",

a father's nurturing serves several important purposes:

"1) helps fathers build close relationships with their children.

2) fosters psychological well-being and self-worth in their children.

3) provides children with a healthy model of masculinity.

4) helps protect girls from prematurely seeking the romantic and sexual attention of men."

when i read these points,

they all struck me on a personal level in different ways. 

they caused me to reflect on my own life and how my father's nurturing

 - or lack thereof -

has contributed to me. 

i definitely think the lack of nurturing may have lead me to 

"seek romantic attention from men" at an early age.

starting at the age of 12 i remember being very concerned if boys liked me or not.

feeling happy when they did,

and sad when they didn't.

i got into my first very serious relationship at 15,

which continued on and off until i graduated high school at 18. 

at this time i think a pattern had already been established 

and taken root within myself.

 i learned to rely on romantic love and attention from guys 

as a way to fill my needs.

it was my main source of self-validation and nurturing.

rather than:

seeking that kind of nurturing, attention and validation

from my parents,

other friends,

family members

or my heavenly father.

 

isn't self discovery amazing!

because it is only as we make these self discoveries and connections within ourselves,

become aware of our own authenticity,

that we can choose to continue 

in that behavior and way of being,

or  

choose to change.  

we first must choose to reflect.

take time this week to be at one with yourself.

how are you really doing?

how are you really feeling?

does anything feel off?

talk with God. 

He can illuminate our path

and show us the way.

through His help we can more clearly see our 

past,

and how that connects with our 

present,

to help us more awareingly

choose our future.  

xoxo

kelsiefay