fulfill

happy sunday evening:)

this fall has been the absolute most perfect fall i have ever experienced since living in idaho falls.

normally that in between, crispy-cool season lasts all of a measly 2 weeks,

and then we're on to piles and piles of snow and bitter wind from halloween to april fools!

but not this year.

nope!
this year i've been in refreshing fall heaven,
and have taken the liberty of crunching a few fallen leaves beneath my feet a time or ten:)
oh it is wonderful, wonderful to me
*sigh

my deep affinity for my family relations class, and the knowledge i envelop from it,
 grows with each passing week.
and i'm happy to report,
this week was no different
:)

we all have needs.
things
people
places
feelings
actions
that are crucial to uphold our mortal existence at the most basic level,
and also,
to foster fulfillment
in mind
body
and soul.

maslow is famous for his "hierarchy of needs".
his theory is that our needs come in all
shapes
and
sizes
and follow a pyramid of importance.
meaning that:
our most basic, bottom level needs must be met before any other needs can subsequently be nourished.

so what happens when some of these inherent needs we have aren't met?
where do we turn?
what do we do???
the answers to these questions are different for everyone.
some turn to:

addiction
unhealthy relationships
obsessions
food
shopping
God
 or maybe even
homosexual desires and behavior
in order to meet and fulfill these deep, compelling, unmet needs.

in watching the video, "understanding same-sex attraction" by family watch international,
 (*link provided below..)
i feel i've come to a deeper, clearer understanding
and a place of more profound peace,
in regards to those who experience same-sex attraction (SSA)

the documentary provides 6 basic potential factors that could contribute to an individual experiencing feelings of same-sex attraction.
they are as follows:
1) wounded gender identity - being severely rejected within their own gender
2) bullying
3) father hunger - absent, abusive, or distant father
4) mother confusion - controlling/manipulative/atypical mother role in the family
5) inappropriate touch - either abuse or not ever being touched at all
6) pornography

as i continued to attentively and compassionately watch the video,
my mind kept having these thoughts about SSA . . .
"this is another way people feel empty and are trying to fill that hole within themselves"
"it's ALL about meeting needs!"
"it's these deeper, unmet needs that are the start of it all."
and in effort to take care of themselves,
to fill needs,
and feel full,
some individuals turn to SSA.

 i do not claim to understand even the smallest amount of same-sex attraction.
nor do i claim that these ideas apply to everyone who experiences this.
it is something i have never experienced myself and do not know firsthand by any means.
however.
i am saying that,
i feel this could be true in some cases.
these ideas r e s o n a t e with me.
speak to my soul
and seem
subsequently . . .
soothing.
i believe we're all searching.
searching and seeking and yearning
to find
and to feel
fulfilled 

and in our searching let us remember:

 - - - "you can never get enough of what you don't need,
because what you don't need, CAN'T satisfy you." - - -

xoxo
kelsiefay






*http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJhyzqdzpnM

clarity

in the midst of tumultuous

sadness

 ache

anxiety

confusion

vulnerability

doubt

fear

faking it

bewilderment

hurt

numbing

self consciousness

loneliness

and longing...

- - - - - there is a major s h i f t - - - - -

a pure, penetrating peace 

takes over and fills my entire being in places i didn't even know existed.

seeping into every crack of insecurity and wound of worry, it was as if somehow at once

all is made light.

with this light brought comfort, warmth, relief and above all else . . .

c l a r i t y

what once was:

confusing

uncomfortable

unsure and ever shifting

is now replaced with:

understanding

serenity

confidence and solidity

this light, truth and c l a r i t y surrounds and abounds

and i am left with the purest, most peaceful and sincere

joy.

"for the word of the Lord is truth, and whatsoever is truth is light, and whatsoever is light is Spirit, even the Spirit of Jesus Christ." - d&c 84:45

they say, "it's always darkest before the dawn . . ."

but what is it about this extreme contrast in life that is the only means by which to catalyze such cutting clarity?

can we really sing the sweet without beforehand bearing the bitter?

is it possible to:

 find without seeking?

receive answers without asking?

know without wondering?

opinionating without researching?

i don't think it is.

- - -

this week i have gained a new set of eyes with which to see

and new being in which to be. 

thankful to:

my God for bringing me to a place i would have never found on my own

and my family relations class for providing me with truth necessary to chisel away crippling prejudice

on the matter of the latter . . .

 why is it in our being as a human race to immediately judge those around us without knowing their whole story?

i know i am guilty of this on a daily basis, 

even without recognizing it sometimes.

however upon reading the article, "the costs of getting ahead: mexican family system changes after immigration" by martica l. bacallao and paul r. smokowski,

i am beginning to understand with more c l a r i t y the adversity immigrants of any kind face.

parents' hearts are pure in their intent to provide more opportunities for their children in a new country.

and yet they are faced with increasing family stress

and constant shift in family roles from extended separation.

my heart has forever changed to have more compassion on them and simply all others.

xoxo

kelsiefay

- the s h i f t -

communication is crucial

can i just say? life is so good right now.

i've been home from serving my LDS mission in las vegas, nevada for 6 weeks and 4 days now and i just feel like i'm in a really good place. i'm living at home in idaho falls and commute to byu-idaho in rexburg two days a week. i work as an eyelash extensionist out of my home (which is so fun it doesn't even feel like a job) and am spending tons of time with my family i lived without for so long (18 months). i am also t h o r o u g h l y enjoying some much overdue "me, alone-time" to just ponder and reflect on life, read, exercise, paint my nails, organize, craft, and read the Book of Mormon, etc! it just feels good. 

God is so good:)

i have always been interested in people.

what makes them tick?

why do they do the things they do?

how were they treated as a child and what about that impacts who they are today?

what makes them feel alive?

 and what about relationships.... ah! so interesting!

all shapes, sizes, functioning and dysfunctioning ones..

why? 

when?

how come?

tell me more!!

and because of these natural interests of mine, i am absolutely obsessed with my family relations class! who knew i could actually enjoy reading my college textbook. who ever thought that was even possible?? 

 well. i'm here to tell you. it is. 

and it's the most wonderful thing i've ever experienced. i feel like everything i'm learning is like "coming home" to a place my entire being, my authentic true self, has always belonged. it doesn't just feel like me..

it is me.

this week my soul has connected with the importance of clear communication.

the individual members of a family and how they interact with one another, combine to create a family's unique balance, dynamic and system. each family system operates and functions under it's own set of "rules" -- whether they're specifically 

• "said" (children allow parents to speak without interruption. younger children go to bed earlier than older ones, mom always gets to choose what to make for dinner etc.) 

• or "unsaid" (it's better to ask mom to go to your friend's house after dinner when she's in a better mood. don't be a cry baby...)

what i found very interesting is this:

a healthy family is NOT one that enforces and follows the "correct" rules,

but rather...

it IS one that clearly communicates their own consistent rules to all members of the family.

it is not so much WHAT the rules are, as HOW they're communicated.

if a child does not know what or where the boundaries are, or if they change frequently and they never know what to expect.. how could they ever even make a conscious choice to abide by them? essentially without clearly communicated boundaries, how could a family ever feel and function in peaceful manner? as rules and expectations are clearly communicated and identified, all members of a family can know what to expect and choose to strive for a more harmonious balance and the family flourishes.

since i'm not married and am currently in the dating scene rather than the parenting one.. i tend to relate what i learn in class and in my readings not only to my family life growing up, but to dating and my own current dating relationships. 

much of my dating life i've played what can be referred to as,

"THE GAME"

when you're playing, "THE GAME", one of you is the cat and the other is the mouse. 

it is a never ending dance.

it is a game full of teasing.

and back and forth.

 and never seeming TOO interested.

 but just interested enough...

 to keep the other person's interest in YOU at it's peak.

it is a game all about control and having the upper hand.

it is one where you say one thing,

but mean another.

or you don't say anything at all,

and you expect the other person to read your mind and know exactly what you're thinking and needing and wanting and really, truly meaning. 

it is a game full of confusion and guessing and wondering.

this game is dramatic.

and involves a level of deception.

it is unsettling and leaves you feeling discontent - never fully loved, never fully satisfied.

- and so -

ever since i've been back from my mission and learned the incredible benefits of

effective, clear communication...

(the feeling of loyalty, strengthened relationships, effectively working t h r o u g h issues rather than avoiding them..)

i thought to myself:

 "you know what? i'm going to keep doing this. i'm going to do this dating thing differently this time. instead of playing THE GAME, i'm going to try actually saying what i think. listen to how i really feel, communicate this clearly to the other person involved and just see what the heck happens!"

the results so far have been absolutely amazing.

i have felt empowered and liberated as i have been more true to myself, how i actually feel and just saying that. rather than acting a certain way and hoping the guy gets the hint or understands what i'm trying to say through my sometimes unclear actions.

i have been filled with:

 deeper connections.

 better conversations.

and truer peace.

now that's not to say that this level of clear communication has been all roses and butterflies and has never been uncomfortable. most all of the times i have specifially chosen to be more authentic and clear rather than skirting around issues of how i'm really feeling, it's been SCARY! and hard! and uncomfortable! but the end result of this "daring greatly" approach to life and relationships has been so worth it. 

as you're honest and open in all of your relationships, no matter what kind, it shows that person how much you truly care about them. even if the truth is hard to hear. as you clearly, honestly communicate,  you're really saying, "i care about you enough to be completely honest with you and not deceive you." 

my mom has always said that the number one thing i can do to have a good relationship with her is be honest with her. without a foundation of loyalty, a relationship has no substance, value or real existence. 

loyalty cannot be fostered without trust.

and trust cannot be cultivated without

 honesty,

 openness,

 and clear, effective communication.

wow this is the longest post ever.

i don't even know if anyone ever reads this but if you do and if you are still reading..

 i'm sorry! 

i promise i meant for this to be short

and then...

well.

it wasn't. haha

evidently there is just a burning passion in me that needs to get out and breathe!

i invite you to reflect.

reflect on the content and quality of your current top 5 relationships.

how are they really doing?

do you feel safe in them?

what makes you feel this way?

can you trust the other person?

can they trust you?

how is your communication?

are you always guessing how the other feels instead of actually knowing?

are you constantly "tip-toeing" around issues or anything you feel would send them into a tizzy?

do these people feel that way about YOU in your relationship??

you don't know??

well then ASK!

real change of any kind is slow and takes

t i m e

and that's okay.

in fact it's good.

start small

 and within time you'll

feel your relationships become 

deeper

safer

stronger

and a whole lot more meaningful.

be brave and give it a try:)

xoxo

kelsiefay

...

ps. i thought it was about time to include a picture of me and my family on here! 

from left to right:

patrick, jackie, dan, kenz, ricky, vanessa, tay, mom, garth, me, cami, ethan and max, josh, jill, jordan. *the only one not in here is my little brother derek who is still serving his mission in indianapolis, indiana for another 4 months! it will be so fun to see him again:)