six stations of divorce

i.

love.

TEDtalks.

they are just 

so 

inspiring!

captivating

motivating

and

informationating

:)

i recently watched a TEDtalk entitled, 

"why rejection hurts so much and what to do about it"

guy winch, the speaker in this talk, declared that in america:

- we severely neglect our emotional health -

we care a lot about our physical hygiene, 

and have no problem going to the doctor for a broken bone.

but we do not actively practice preventative "emotional hygiene".

nor do we seek to understand how our emotional health,

can greatly affect our physical well being.

i felt this talk went really well with what i was learning in class this week. 

usually when someone hears the word,

"divorce"

they might immediately think of the legalities of such an occurrence:

courtrooms

child custody battles

signing papers 

etc.

when in all reality,

there are actually six different kinds of divorce a couple will go through

when they decide to dissolve the bond they once so much delighted in.

these "six stations of divorce"

make separating from a spouse a lot more complicated that you might initially think.

they are as follows:

1) emotional divorce - spouses lose trust, respect and affection for one another. they no longer seek to help or support, only to hurt and defeat.

2) legal divorce - legal responsibilities to each other are dissolved and the court officially brings the marriage to an end.

3) economic divorce - all property and assets between the couple is divided.

4) co-parental divorce - this type of divorce only happens between couples who have children. custody, visitation rights and parent responsibilities all must be determined.

5) community divorce - each partner may need to establish new friendship and extended family relations.

and

6) psychic divorce - each individual must accept a new sense of individualism rather than being in a partnership with their former spouse. "he or she can only start to feel whole again to the extent that the psychic divorce is final; to the extent that there is a distancing from both the positive and negative aspects of the broken relationship." 

in class we discussed how some individuals who legally divorce

never actually get to the point of psychic divorce with their former spouse. 

and as such,

can never truly move on or heal from the emotionally taxing separation. 

this could further halt any progress or growth to be made in new relationships 

and could potentially hinder any

new

real

deep

intimate 

connections from forming.

70% of people who divorce look back and say,

"we could have and should have saved the marriage."

it is important that we try to consider all aspects of divorce.

everything it affects and plays into on a deeper level

rather than just simply thinking of the

"legal divorce"

xoxo

kelsiefay

 

nurturing

'tis the season

to be cozy.

fa la la la la, 

la la la,

la

:)

i don't particularly love cold weather,

but i will say,

i do love getting cozy by my fire in my fuzzy socks in cold weather.

 

exhibit A: 

 

and i suppose it's impossible to get cozy,

without first being cold.

so i guess cold weather isn't ALL bad after all.

:)

 

i continue to find examples of 

action-reaction

cause-effect

- the true "why's" - 

behind the way things are in life,

so

intriguing.  

 

something i so very much love about my family relations class is,

it helps me 

. . . connect my own dots . . .

and figure out my own "why's" behind who i am and why i

think

feel

see

act

the way that i do. 

i believe we are all 

choice,

divine

spirit children of our father in heaven

and existed before we came to earth.

my spirit and soul

is really much older than my almost 24-year-old body.

and because i believe we existed before this life,

i also believe we all came here with our own

unique

predisposed

"hard-wiring".

a portion of who we are:

our personalities

tendencies

and quirks 

have simply always been.

yet on the other hand . . .

i also believe we are continually evolving beings.

we learn

grow

fall

develop

regress

and experience

so much every single day.

and that material becomes a part of us.

this process starts at the very beginning of our mortal journey:

birth.

as an infant,

you were completely helpless when it came to taking care of your own needs.

physical - spiritual - emotional

you relied solely,

fully,

entirely,

and completely,

on your parents for day to day survival!

but what if those needs weren't met,

as an infant,

toddler,

child,

obnoxious pre-teen,

or

teenager??

what if your parents,

for one reason or another,

 weren't able to support you in what you needed?

well then what?

how would that have affected you?

would you be different?

do you think it would contribute to the way you 

think

feel

see

or act

now?

i'd we willing to guess

it would.

 

kids need to be nurtured. 

this week i specifically dove into the importance of 

- a father's nurturing -

in the lives of his children. 

According to, "the Importance of Fathers in the Healthy Development of Children",

a father's nurturing serves several important purposes:

"1) helps fathers build close relationships with their children.

2) fosters psychological well-being and self-worth in their children.

3) provides children with a healthy model of masculinity.

4) helps protect girls from prematurely seeking the romantic and sexual attention of men."

when i read these points,

they all struck me on a personal level in different ways. 

they caused me to reflect on my own life and how my father's nurturing

 - or lack thereof -

has contributed to me. 

i definitely think the lack of nurturing may have lead me to 

"seek romantic attention from men" at an early age.

starting at the age of 12 i remember being very concerned if boys liked me or not.

feeling happy when they did,

and sad when they didn't.

i got into my first very serious relationship at 15,

which continued on and off until i graduated high school at 18. 

at this time i think a pattern had already been established 

and taken root within myself.

 i learned to rely on romantic love and attention from guys 

as a way to fill my needs.

it was my main source of self-validation and nurturing.

rather than:

seeking that kind of nurturing, attention and validation

from my parents,

other friends,

family members

or my heavenly father.

 

isn't self discovery amazing!

because it is only as we make these self discoveries and connections within ourselves,

become aware of our own authenticity,

that we can choose to continue 

in that behavior and way of being,

or  

choose to change.  

we first must choose to reflect.

take time this week to be at one with yourself.

how are you really doing?

how are you really feeling?

does anything feel off?

talk with God. 

He can illuminate our path

and show us the way.

through His help we can more clearly see our 

past,

and how that connects with our 

present,

to help us more awareingly

choose our future.  

xoxo

kelsiefay

workin women

the world in which we live in is interesting these days.

and i feel as though it just keeps getting

more so

and

more so.

trends seem to change faster than

in the earlier days

around 1900 . . .

people thought something was severely wrong if

a married woman was employed. 

people would think her husband was,

"absent,

crippled,

or

incompetent."

obviously that's much different than work trends today.

the percentage of women in the workforce has increased from

25.4% in 1940

to

59.5% in 2008.

there is a lot of discrepancy about whether it is more 

beneficial

or

detrimental

to the lives of children if both parents work outside the home.

i know that for me, personally . . 

my mom was really present in my life all growing up.

she was a stay at home mom until i was 10 and my parents got divorced.

she then worked as a teacher

from when i was 10 to 13,

so essentially she was at work 

the same hours as

i was at school.

i knew i could always count on my mom

to be there when i needed her.

and i really was only alone for about an hour

with my little brother

while we would wait for mom to come home from her school.

i know this really affected me positively for the better.

- other factors to consider -

some pros for children when both parents work outside the home:

"-they learn self-sufficiency at an early age.

-even young children need their 'space.'

-parents can find caregivers who provide needed supervision and loving attention

-quality, not quantity, of time with parents is more crucial to the kids' development.

-parents making more $$ can provide kids with better quality of life."

some cons for children when both parents work outside the home:

"-kids feel they take second place to parents' careers. 

-they have inadequate supervision.

-they have too little time with their parents

-they don't have their mother's undivided time in their early years of life

-non-parental caregivers don't give kids the love and attention they need to thrive."

- "marriage and family - the quest for intimacy" 

i think for my future family i would ideally like to spend as much time with my children as possible.

if i could find a way to make money from working inside my home,

by doing eyelash extensions or something,

i would love that!

but i do know that different working and living situations

work better and worse

for different marriages and families.

so.

explore it for yourself 

and

involve God in all of your decisions.

He'll show you the way

always.

:)

xoxo

kelsie fay

 

conflict

welp.

yet another holiday has come and gone . . .

this thanksgiving my heart and soul was filled with pure gratitude for

- my savior, Jesus Christ - 

as we went around our thanksgiving table,

each individually expressing our unique feelings of gratefulness,

i couldn't help but feel overwhelmed by my savior's love.

He has helped me through a LOT

just this past week alone.

so much so in fact,

that i have felt my faith and strength in Him significantly

g r o w. 

what led me to this growth,

started out with feelings of 

conflict. 

deep within my 

heart

mind

and soul.

in further describing the potential benefit of conflict in your life . . .

think of your two eyeballs.

because of their different placement on your face,

each sees a slightly different view of a single object.

(you can experiment with this by simultaneously covering your right and left eye while keeping your focus on one object. you will notice it appears the object moves.) 

you could ask yourself:

"well which eye's view is 'right' and which view is 'wrong'?"

the views may seem conflicting.

but the truth is, 

they are both valid.

and with these seemingly conflicting views your eyeballs have when used individually,

can actually create

more clarity about the object

and

depth perception

when they are used together.

something that could not be accomplished

through the vision of one eye alone.

thus we can analogate 

(yes i'm officially making up words here) :)

that without any conflicting experiences in our lives,

we could never gain ultimate 

clarity

perspective

and 

depth.

just because you have conflicting opinions with someone,

doesn't mean you have to conflict with them.

take it as an opportunity to

learn

grow

and truly

see.

that's all.

:)

xoxo

kelsie fay

ps.

here's a pic of me and my mama on turkey day

sometimes i think we kind of look really a lot alike

:)

- p e r s p e c t i v e -

i must say . .

 i keep learning and understanding

more 

&

more

&

more

&

more

about 

.

.

. 

- p e r s p e c t i v e -

and how very much the lens through which we, and others, 

see . . .

 life

situations

 and other people 

is like. the most crucial thing ever.

:)

and further exploring . .

that actually how we 

p e r c e i v e

life

situations

and other people

is more important than:

what is actually going on in our lives.

what really happened.

and the words he/she specifically spoke.

what matters more is:

how we interpreted these things,

how they made us feel,

and who we are as a result of them.

william shakespeare once said, 

"there is nothing either good or bad, but

thinking

makes it so" 

a rich man and a poor man could both be given the same meal of steak and potatoes for dinner.

however,

each individual man's opinion of

the same steak and potatoes,

are most likely going to be wildly different from each other,

given their different

- p e r s p e c t i v e s -

the poor man may have thought to himself,

"my this steak is incredible!"

simply for the fact that it was something warm to eat.

whereas . . . 

the rich man may have thought to himself,

"i find this steak only tolerable to my tastebuds",

given it wasn't seasoned to his optimal liking.

different perspectives.

different realities.

same steak.

"there is nothing either good or bad, but

thinking

makes it so."

what comes to mind when you hear the word,

"crisis" 

?

i'm willing to guess that for a vast majority of us,

"crisis" solicits feelings of

panic

fear

negativity

anxiety

etc.

however i think with more understanding,

we can cultivate better feelings toward a word that gets such a bad rap.

in chinese, "crisis" is comprised of two distinct characters:

the first meaning danger,

the second meaning opportunity.

thus we can further reflect and learn that . . .

 perhaps maybe there's a reason behind the "awful" things that happen to us. 

maybe we are meant to do more than just endure.

maybe every crisis we encounter is to give us an

o p p o r t u n i t y to grow

if

we can view this with the right

- p e r s p e c t i v e - 

i just returned from serving a full-time mission in las vegas for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints a few months ago.

it was there that i found a talk that completely changed my outlook on the mission,

and continues to influence my growing

- p e r s p e c t i v e -

in my life.

it is:

the fourth missionary by lawrence e. corbridge

i would like to share an excerpt from his talk that i feel goes well with our subject at hand:

"every challenge you face, 

every hard thing you confront, 

every bad thing that happens to you, 

every unfairness, 

every conflict,

 every sadness,

 tragedy,

 every disappointment and heartache, 

every temptation and every opposition 

happens for one purpose only:

 to give you 

o p p o r t u n i t y

 to respond

 by applying in your life the teachings of Jesus.

 as you do so,

 you are changed to become more like Him."

we are all in the driver's seat of our own lives.

while we may not have any control over

what cards we're dealt to begin with

 or

how people treat us,

we CAN choose to view all of these things in life as 

o p p o r t u n i t i e s

to grow and become more like our savior.

and.

if we can't currently see things from this view,

we can always ask for help to

change.

our.

- p e r s p e c t i v e -

xoxo

kelsiefay

you play how you practice

you know.

it's 6:07 pm and it's pitch black outside.

pitch.

black!

daylight savings this past week,

 gave me one more hour of precious sleep:)

which i thoroughly enjoyed! 

but now it gets dark so early that it feels like

10

when it's really only

6.

interesting.

time is such a weird thing to me! 

i often feel like i have no concept of it . . .

which can get me into

trouble

sometimes when i have a deadline of sorts.

mostly i just enjoy being in moments

soaking them in

soaking them up

and just

.

.

.

being.

with whom and wherever i am:)

although!

you know what actually?

i have actually figured out that:

time is very important.

the passage of time,

and also,

what you do IN that time,

can change everything.

we all know that practice makes perfect right?
but why do we tend to not take this concept as seriously when it comes to "practicing marriage" in dating? 
i guess i should speak more for myself than for everyone as a whole.
but.
i know that for me, in my previous relationships, i've taken complete loyalty and total fidelity:
physically
emotionally
mentally
rather lightly. 
too lightly in fact.
why and how what on earth was i thinking when..
 i thought it was okay to kiss two boys that i was "sort of dating" in the same night?! 
heavens.
so not okay!
luckily i am learning and
understanding and
growing into
what is more
real.

i think most young adults around my age (23) feel that it's okay to "play the field" and keep their eyes open to seeing others, even when they're in a committed relationship. i know i fell pray to this mentality in the past. 
but.
truth is . . .
you play how you practice.
and if you practice wrong, 
you'll probably play wrong.

prior to my family studies class, i thought infidelity was simply being unfaithful to a spouse in marriage physically . . . by having a physical, sexual affair. 
turns out there are many more ways infidelity can occur in marriage and luckily,
even more ways one can prevent these things from ever even having a chance or potential of occuring.

four types of affairs:
1) fantasy - ". . . having an emotional affair with someone who has no knowledge about what is taking place, or with someone who is anonymous and would likely never meet." - infidelity: protecting our marriages by scott gardner and christian greiner
2) visual affair/pornography - "but i say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath already committed adultery with her in his heart" - matthew 5:28
3) romantic affair - "an individual becomes emotionally involved with a specific person other than his or her spouse. it is characterized by a 'second life' and is a result of trying to escape the monotony of everyday life."
4) sexual affair - "whoso committeth adultery with a woman lacketh understanding: he that doeth it destroyeth his own soul." - proverbs 6:32

it seems to me that all of these types of affairs and infidelity are induced by a person's desire to escape their own reality and dwell in a different place - always thinking that the grass is greener elsewhere. bruce c. hafen also explores the idea that infidelity may have less to do with the state of a marriage, 
but rather, 
the individual. 
"when men or women are true to the deepest instincts of their natures, they will nurture sensitivity and kindness as part of their martial fidelity. but when their motives darken toward betrayal or a quest for power, they cast away their human kindness in ways that deny the link between true sexuality and fidelity." 

given this statement, it would seem that:
we can prevent affairs by changing who WE are and how WE act. 
evaluate the state of your heart. if what you do is more "actionary" or "reactionary" and why.  and set appropriate boundaries.

the following are suggested boundaries:
- don't share the most painful things of your sould with an attractive alternative. this develops deep levels of intimacy.
- if a conversation makes light of marriage, respond with something positive about your own marriage.
-discuss marital issues with your spouse. if you do need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure they are a friend of the marriage.
-don't have lunch or take work breaks with the same person all the time.
-bring your spouse to class reunions. especially if you know an old boyfriend/girlfriend will be there.
-don't "do lunch" with someone you used to date.
-don't allow your heart to dwell on anyone.

and if you're not in a marriage relationship yet, these boundaries can still be practiced while dating and in committed relationships.
because ultimately:
you'll play how you practice,
so practice how you want to play.
and in this case . . . 
we've GOT to practice 
fidelity
loyalty
trust
and
true, unselfish love.

xoxo

kelsiefay

 
 
 

jammy day

today.

was a pajama day.

literally did not change out of my pajamas

 all.

 day.

no teeth brushing,

hair combing,

showering,

or leaving the house . . . 

let alone my room for within the first 9 hours of being awake!

today i was a real life hermit.

and you know what?

i thoroughly and completely enjoyed

every

s

i

n

g

l

e

second of it:)

proof:

 

 today was a day of:

pondering

reflecting

crying

realizing

talking

telling

feeling

writing

listening

learning

loving

understanding

progressing

connecting

creating

breathing

thinking

praying

and

laundrying

:)

all in my jammies.

can i tell you some of my discoveries?

thoughts?

connections?

and feelings?

from jammy day?

okay:)

recently in class we have been diving into our own families:

the overall dynamics

how individual personalities contribute to the family's functioning

what role each member of the family plays

subsystems and relationships in the family

etc

and i tell you what.

it's been rather emotional.

i come from a blended family.

meaning:

my parents got divorced when i was 11 and my mom remarried a wonderful man with 5 daughters.

and so.

we are now a blended family of 10, comprising of 6 daughters, 2 sons and 2 parents... 

plus

5 brothers/sisters in law and 

3 grandkids.

there's a lot of us.

and always a lot going on

and we just keep growing.

in all of the digging and delving into the soul of my family,

i've found a lot of:

misunderstandings

disconnection

exclusion

division 

and

rejection

while at the same finding:

mutual compromise

love

connection

care

and

support

feelings have been:

hurt

shared

validated

suppressed

pretended

acknowledged

squashed

disregarded

and

considered.

and it's hard!

and great!

and terrible!

and amazing!

and dysfunctional!

and functional!

and healthy!

and unhealthy!

and

and

and!

family,

 and the dynamics of it and relations in it, 

are so many different things at the same time,

that sometimes . . .

(lets just be real)

it's hard to stay

sane. 

and today,

in my jammies,

i realized it's all actually

.

.

.

okay 

. 

. 

.

it's not bad,

not good,

not anything.

it just

simply 

is.

i can accept the things about my family and family members i cannot change.

i can accept what is,

while still fostering healthy boundaries and relationships in my "family of origin"

and committing to starting new patterns, dynamics and trends in my future "family of creation" 

the more you learn about your own family dynamics the more you can discover what traits you'd love to keep and which ones you'd rather discard.

think about your daily, weekly, holiday

family interactions.

and

observe

evaluate

consider 

and 

reflect.

the more you know and are aware,

the better you can use your agency and choose how you want your life and relationships to be.

you can

create it.

:)

and then you can create something new in your room like i did today:

 i love jammy day.

that's all.

xoxo

kelsiefay

 

 

 

 

fulfill

happy sunday evening:)

this fall has been the absolute most perfect fall i have ever experienced since living in idaho falls.

normally that in between, crispy-cool season lasts all of a measly 2 weeks,

and then we're on to piles and piles of snow and bitter wind from halloween to april fools!

but not this year.

nope!
this year i've been in refreshing fall heaven,
and have taken the liberty of crunching a few fallen leaves beneath my feet a time or ten:)
oh it is wonderful, wonderful to me
*sigh

my deep affinity for my family relations class, and the knowledge i envelop from it,
 grows with each passing week.
and i'm happy to report,
this week was no different
:)

we all have needs.
things
people
places
feelings
actions
that are crucial to uphold our mortal existence at the most basic level,
and also,
to foster fulfillment
in mind
body
and soul.

maslow is famous for his "hierarchy of needs".
his theory is that our needs come in all
shapes
and
sizes
and follow a pyramid of importance.
meaning that:
our most basic, bottom level needs must be met before any other needs can subsequently be nourished.

so what happens when some of these inherent needs we have aren't met?
where do we turn?
what do we do???
the answers to these questions are different for everyone.
some turn to:

addiction
unhealthy relationships
obsessions
food
shopping
God
 or maybe even
homosexual desires and behavior
in order to meet and fulfill these deep, compelling, unmet needs.

in watching the video, "understanding same-sex attraction" by family watch international,
 (*link provided below..)
i feel i've come to a deeper, clearer understanding
and a place of more profound peace,
in regards to those who experience same-sex attraction (SSA)

the documentary provides 6 basic potential factors that could contribute to an individual experiencing feelings of same-sex attraction.
they are as follows:
1) wounded gender identity - being severely rejected within their own gender
2) bullying
3) father hunger - absent, abusive, or distant father
4) mother confusion - controlling/manipulative/atypical mother role in the family
5) inappropriate touch - either abuse or not ever being touched at all
6) pornography

as i continued to attentively and compassionately watch the video,
my mind kept having these thoughts about SSA . . .
"this is another way people feel empty and are trying to fill that hole within themselves"
"it's ALL about meeting needs!"
"it's these deeper, unmet needs that are the start of it all."
and in effort to take care of themselves,
to fill needs,
and feel full,
some individuals turn to SSA.

 i do not claim to understand even the smallest amount of same-sex attraction.
nor do i claim that these ideas apply to everyone who experiences this.
it is something i have never experienced myself and do not know firsthand by any means.
however.
i am saying that,
i feel this could be true in some cases.
these ideas r e s o n a t e with me.
speak to my soul
and seem
subsequently . . .
soothing.
i believe we're all searching.
searching and seeking and yearning
to find
and to feel
fulfilled 

and in our searching let us remember:

 - - - "you can never get enough of what you don't need,
because what you don't need, CAN'T satisfy you." - - -

xoxo
kelsiefay






*http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJhyzqdzpnM

clarity

in the midst of tumultuous

sadness

 ache

anxiety

confusion

vulnerability

doubt

fear

faking it

bewilderment

hurt

numbing

self consciousness

loneliness

and longing...

- - - - - there is a major s h i f t - - - - -

a pure, penetrating peace 

takes over and fills my entire being in places i didn't even know existed.

seeping into every crack of insecurity and wound of worry, it was as if somehow at once

all is made light.

with this light brought comfort, warmth, relief and above all else . . .

c l a r i t y

what once was:

confusing

uncomfortable

unsure and ever shifting

is now replaced with:

understanding

serenity

confidence and solidity

this light, truth and c l a r i t y surrounds and abounds

and i am left with the purest, most peaceful and sincere

joy.

"for the word of the Lord is truth, and whatsoever is truth is light, and whatsoever is light is Spirit, even the Spirit of Jesus Christ." - d&c 84:45

they say, "it's always darkest before the dawn . . ."

but what is it about this extreme contrast in life that is the only means by which to catalyze such cutting clarity?

can we really sing the sweet without beforehand bearing the bitter?

is it possible to:

 find without seeking?

receive answers without asking?

know without wondering?

opinionating without researching?

i don't think it is.

- - -

this week i have gained a new set of eyes with which to see

and new being in which to be. 

thankful to:

my God for bringing me to a place i would have never found on my own

and my family relations class for providing me with truth necessary to chisel away crippling prejudice

on the matter of the latter . . .

 why is it in our being as a human race to immediately judge those around us without knowing their whole story?

i know i am guilty of this on a daily basis, 

even without recognizing it sometimes.

however upon reading the article, "the costs of getting ahead: mexican family system changes after immigration" by martica l. bacallao and paul r. smokowski,

i am beginning to understand with more c l a r i t y the adversity immigrants of any kind face.

parents' hearts are pure in their intent to provide more opportunities for their children in a new country.

and yet they are faced with increasing family stress

and constant shift in family roles from extended separation.

my heart has forever changed to have more compassion on them and simply all others.

xoxo

kelsiefay

- the s h i f t -